Twisted Tunes

Presented here are the collected “Twisted Tunes” from the two issues I have. A couple still work, others are too tied to their era to get me to even crack a smile unless I’m completely fucked up. Fuckin’ Skanky ‘Ho has a cool story that I’ll try to write up when I can remember some of the names of the people involved, so I’ve put it on it’s own page. Plus it’s long as fuck. Until then, keep on rockin’, duuuuuudes...


Twelve Inch Cock
(adapted from Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted Snake”)

He’s got a twelve inch cock
Look inside his pants
Makes it hard to dance
He wants a lot from his girls
More than just a poke
Girl don’t start to choke now

You’re the one’s gotta handle it
Anytime you want it
Better guard your back ‘cause that thing is hangin’ down by his calf
It’s a great big sacrifice
That’s if you want him
Do you really think he thinks ‘bout splittin’ you in half?

(chorus)

He was at a frat party
Everyone was starin’
Your girlfriends were wonderin’ whether he tied it around his leg
He walked on over to you
Grunted. “How’s it shakin’?”
When it comes to brain cells girl they ran out with the keg

(chorus)

(stream of consciousness)

He could find some other easy girl
He could really make you scream
He deserves some really slutty girl
Gotta tell ya... you should see the cream

Stay away from him!

Twelve inch... Twelve inch cock
Twelve inch... Twelve inch cock

(chorus)

Look inside his pants
Makes it hard to dance
More than just a poke
Girl don’t start to choke

(chorus)


I Wan’ My Own Bitch
(adapted from Calloway’s “I Wanna Be Rich”)

Snatch ... Warm ... That’s what I need
My nads cry out for me to be blown
They begin to swell when I’m alone
Don’t matter whether they’re thin or round
They all look the same when I go down

Ya see,
I want pussy, lots and lots of pussy
I want a slab of hair pie
I want pussy, lots and lots of pussy Just please don’t come in my eye
I wan’ my own bitch
I wan’ my own bitch
I wan’ my own bitch
I wan’ my own bitch
Drink a brew, fuck and blow some jizz

I want her cunt want to eat it to
Fuck her ass until it’s black and blue
I spend my money on 14th Street
When I can’t find none my schlong I’ll beat

(chorus)

Everywhere ... bitch
Booze, fuck and blow some jizz

I love all the shit that perverts do
Keep doin’ it ‘til my balls turn blue
Still some stuff I haven’t tried
A vasectomy to keep me satisfied
Bitch

(chorus)


Jail Bait
(adapted from Warrant’s “Heaven”)

I was over at your house
We were fuckin’ in your bed
You were scream in’, scratchin’, bitin’
It’s feelin’ pretty good
Your father came in the room
Shoved a shotgun in my face
Threw on my pants and jumped
Out the window which then began the race
I don’t need to be the king of the world
As long as I keep fuckin’ thirteen year old girls

Jail bait’s the best way to get laid
They rarely ever wanna get paid
No matter what the feds might say
How I love the way they move
The tightness of their ass
Just go up to them on the playground
If you have balls of brass
So I take them out to eat
Oh how they love to yap
I stick ‘em back in the car
And shove it in their trap
I don’t need to be a superman
As long as they’re perched up atop my gland

Jail bait’s the best way to get laid
They rarely ever wanna get paid
No matter what the feds might say
I’ll have my way
Now I’m hangin’ at the mall
Over by Benneton
A big group of them walks by
I walk over to the blonde
“Like wow are you too cool”
She don’t nee a brain
I sure know what to do
Soon I’m gonna spooge all over you

Jail bait’s the best way to get laid
They rarely ever wanna get paid
No matter what the feds say
I’ll keep fuckin’ ‘em every day

Jail bait whoah whoah oh ho
There’s more not far away


Here I Come Again
(adapted from Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”)

No I don’t know where I’m going
But I sure know where I’ve been
Slappin’ on my schlong each and every day
And I’ve made up my mind
Gonna spank it ‘til I’m blind

Though I keep searchin’ for a woman
I never seem to find what I’m lookin’ for
Just one thing gives me strength to carry on
‘Cause I know what it means
To pound my pud and cream in my own jeans

And here I come again on my own
Wailin’ down on my own achin’ bone
Like a loser I was born to yank alone
And I’ve made up., my mind
Gonna spank it ‘til I’m blind

Just another heart in need of rescue
Waitin’ on love’s sweet charity
I’m gonna yank it for the rest of my days
‘Cause...

(chorus)

And here I come again
Here I come again
Here I come again
Oooh baby, oh yeah

And I’ve made up my mind
Gonna spank it ‘til I’m blind

(chorus)

And I know what it means
To pound my pud and cream in my own jeans

(chorus)


Blame it on the Grain
(adapted from Milli Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain”)

You woke up in the morning
In your arms a blonde
She was coyote ugly
Time to chew off your arm
Now you wish you could remember
And you feel like total shit
Your friends let you do this
Now you gotta make ‘em pay

Gotta blame it on somethin’
Gotta blame it on somethin’
Blame it on the grain
That was poured in the punch
Blame it on the beam
You did eighteen shots
Whenever you booze
Don’t put the blame on you
Blame it on the grain yeah yeah
You can blame It on the grain

Should have kept off the beer goggles
Your friends were having fun
But no they couldn’t warn you
Now you’re in need of a gun
If you hadn’t been so wasted
You might have escaped alright
Now the jokes are flYing
You’ve gotta deal with the shame

Gotta blame it on somethin’
Gotta blame it on somethin’

(chorus)

‘Cause the grain don’t mind
And the grain don’t care
You’ve got to blame it on something

(chorus)

Blame it on the grain yeah yeah
Blame it on the grain yeah yeah
You can blame it on the grain
Blame it on the grain
Blame it on the grain
Blame it on the beam


Wild Berry
(adapted from Alaynnah Myles’ “Black Velvet”)

Friday night hangin’ out in stinkin’ Rouzer
Not much money your bank account near dead
Can’t do better for under three dollars
All that matters is getting totally toasted
Mad Dog is thirty-six proof
Everyone
Always wantin’ more
You know you’re long in’ for

Wild Berry to your liver it’s cruel
Wild Berry goes down like airplane fuel
Drink a bottle and you’ll be crawlin’ on your knees
Wild Berry if you please

When in college your money is always tight
Not every night you slam some hog
So instead you drown yourself in a pond of booze
And nothin’ compares to that sewage called dog
Make sure it’s nice and chilled
So pure and raw
Always wantin’ more
You know you’re longin’ for

(chorus)

Every drop and every chunk you start to spew
Next morn in’ on the can
Your system is clean
The likes you’ve never seen

(chorus)

(chorus)

if you please


Fuck the Shit Outta Me
(adapted from Belinda Carlisle’s “Leave a Light on for Me”)

Tear my blouse
To get my attention
Worthless louse
Don’t want your conversation
Although you’re fuckin’ slow
It’s your dick I’ve been cravin’
I don’t know what you are waitin’ for

Gotta fuck the shit outta me
Pump me ‘til my ears begin to bleed
To give me every inch that I need
Gotta fuck the shit outta me
Slam ‘til my brain starts caving in
Shove your big fat cock in my rim
I love the pain
Don’t you know
‘Specially when
You blow loads
Don’t wanna talk you bonehead
Just fuck the shit outta me

Yes I know
You’re a stupid motherfucker
You just go
Look for any ole sucker
But tonight I’m a pig
Don’t try to be some nice guy
That would be the dumbest move of your life

(chorus)

Pretend I was walkin’ the block
Baby it’s your cock
Baby it’s your cock
Baby it’s your cock

(chorus)